Relationships.

It's become apparent that you have to move your loved-one into a care facility.  Bringing the family together to make such a decision will be difficult even if family relationships have been historically good.  However, they will be even more difficult if those relationships have bee strained over the years.  Keep the lines of communication open with your loved one and other family members during the decision-making process.

As you make difficult decisions, it is important to be forthright, and truthful.  This will prevent problems and misunderstandings later.  If you are the family member "chosen" to take the lead in these decisions, it is wise to get input from others.  As you are honest about the changes and challenges ahead, each person needs to honestly commit to what they can do to help.

Loving your elder means providing the best care possible and being plain about the decisions being made for them.  Many elders have a deep fear that without warning, they will be thrust out of their current situation to a home where they will be left and forgotten.  Even though it is difficult, it is better to be honest about the needs and the possible solutions.  If possible, take your love one as you visit prospective care facilities.

Your loved one may feel abandoned, fearful, disoriented, hopeless and vulnerable.  They may have experienced the loss of their home and cherished possessions.  They are in a time of great loss, and will go through the stages of grief and loss.

Some suggestions for helping your loved one through this time of adjustment:

• Offer loving patience, compassion and understanding.
• Don't be tempted to "talk them out" of their feelings.
• Be an "ear" and a "shoulder."
• Visit them frequently so the staff gets to know you.
• Help the staff get know your loved one with pictures and personal items.
• Realize your loved one is now dependent rather than independent.
• Keep them connected to the outside world.

Sadly, many families do not realize how important their visits are to their loved one.  Studies show that nursing home residents that do not get regular visits are twice as likely to die in the same period as those that do.  Visit your loved one.

Feeling guilty?

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