I love radio broadcasting and there are days when I miss it. Starting in 1996, we produced a live radio program every Saturday at 2 p.m. At that time, our target audience was the residents of long-term care facilities, i.e., nursing homes and assisted living facilities, but over time learned our listening audience included people of all ages.

I used Garrison Keillor’s “Prairie Home Companion” as a template for our program using live music, writing and performing skits, and having the residents of nursing homes call in to the show right from their room. It all started with an older woman. During one of my visits to a nursing home, I saw a woman from a distance leaning with her back against the wall crying. I approached and asked her why she was crying. She looked at me through her tears and said:

If I only knew then what I know now I would shout it from the rooftops.

I looked at her and without hesitating I said:

How would you like to shout it over the airwaves.

And with that first interview, a 12-year tradition of including live conversation with people living and working in nursing homes began.

I could highlight many, many people who shared their hearts and wisdom with us and our listeners, but with the approach of National Nursing Home Week starting May 13, I want to highlight the staff we talked with on the air.  It was always fun to catch them around 2 p.m. because they were just cleaning up everyone from lunch and generally in a good mood.

But one quote from a nurse stands out in my mind. As we were talking on the telephone and live on the air, telling me about her day, the residents, she said I listen to your program every week. Wow, I thought. So I asked her why.  Her response floored me as well as our radio staff. She said:

This is one of the few places where I can hear a thank you for what I do.

This coming week, starting with Sunday, May 13th,  Mother’s Day, and the beginning of National Nursing Home Week, let’s be creative and find wonderful ways to say “Thank You” to the men and women who care for our frail elders day-in and day-out.  I posted some suggestions at our website, click here.

Yesterday, during a meeting someone reminded me that one day I should write a book.  “Yes! I need too!” And without hardly even taking a breath I launched into one story after another beginning with Betty, a member of the Women’s Air Service Pilots.  There were about 1, 000 women, who, during WWII would shuttle aircraft from one part of the country to another freeing their male counterparts for combat missions. Betty was qualified on many different kinds of aircraft. She laughed as she told me she could fly P-36′s, helicopters, and even B-17′s. She told me that once she flew a B-17 across the country alone.  I was just amazed. Then she looked down, now at the age of 89, and said, “They won’t let me fly anymore.”

And then there was my visit to a nursing home where I met the author of Anna Banana.  In those early days of my visits, it never occurred to me that I might have the opportunity to meet someone like her. As I entered her room, I was struck by the artwork on the walls of her room. Not only did she write children’s books but she did all of her own illustrations for the books. Once again, I was just amazed.

One day I will write that book. But today as I think about how many wonderful and talented people I have met over the years, I realize how much they have enriched my life, and how much I have learned from my conversations with them.  They have added a depth to my daily living that I am fairly certain I couldn’t have found anywhere else.

I believe that my experiences are not unique. I believe that everyone can have the same rich experiences I have had. It just takes the simple act of stepping out and getting involved.  If you think you would like to get involved then visit our website: www.community-360.org and complete a volunteer application.  We’ll help you get started, and then you can begin to write the first chapters of your book.

Keep up with our outreaches by following me at Twitter and Facebook.

Last night I had the opportunity to attend the St. Joseph Villa Volunteer Appreciation Dinner. It was one of the best events of this type I’ve ever attended. Hats off to Hector L., the administrator and Tammy Z. the activities director. Deja Blu was the entertainment for the evening, your’s truly was the guest speaker.  I really wanted to encourage them. Volunteering in a nursing home may not seem like a “high adventure” experience, but for people who do volunteer in nursing homes, they know it as a very deep experience.  Listening to Hector and Tammy address the group along with their Volunteer of the Year, Jack, you can hear how much working and volunteering in nursing homes changes you. The word that best describes the experience for me is “rich.”  Last night was rich. Thanks to all the staff and volunteers at The Villa for a great evening!

I call my talk with you tonight, “New Beginnings” because for just a moment I will look back at where we have come from but then I will turn and look into the future to the next 20 years. As I look across the room, I see the faces of people who have stood with us, prayed for us, supported us, volunteered with us, and most important the people we serve, the elders living in nursing homes and the care staff, and in particular the activities directors and recreation therapists who in my eyes are some of the great heroes of our society. We have about 12 facilities represented here tonight. Let’s give them a round of applause for their dedication and hard work. Thank you!

Looking back, I remember my first visit to a nursing home in Logan, Iowa. I don’t think I said three words to anyone the entire time I was there. I just remember entering the facility, setting up my sound gear, playing, and then quietly packing up to leave. As I was leaving the administrator stopped me before I reached the exit and said, “I don’t know what just happened here, but we need more of this.”  For the next six years or so, I traveled to hundreds of nursing homes, logging  some 30, 000 miles a year on my van, and I was never more than 100 miles from home.

Over time, I began to think about what I could do to support the people who live and work in nursing homes. With the help of many great people, we developed programs to reach out to the resident of the nursing home, the care staff, the families of the elderly, and finally the Radio Hour which we used to raise community awareness.

My wife, Mary, working right along with me began actively recruiting volunteers to visit nursing homes. Our first volunteer, Bud, went to the nursing home after having him read Another Country by Mary Piper, Ph.D., and Compassion by Henri Nouwen. I met Bud at the nursing home, as it was his first visit, and our first volunteer placement.  Bud showed up with Bible and tracks in hand, but before I could say anything, the activities director came our of the dining room to meet us, and then with a big smile said, “Come on, Bud, come and call bingo for us.” The wave of terror that swept across Bud’s face was priceless. Seeing his expression, I waved good-bye certain I would never see Bud again.

However, three weeks later, my office telephone rang. It was Bud. He was clearly upset, and in a broken voice said, “I nearly quit today because I couldn’t see the spiritual value of calling bingo. But as I was about to leave the nursing home for the last time, one of the residents  grabbed me by the arm and said, “Bud, thank you for coming here. You’re almost like family to us.” Bud said that at that moment he broke down at the doorway of the nursing home. The resident asked him to come back to the day room. As they sat there other residents gathered around Bud and they “ministered” to him.  He called bingo every Wednesday for at least three more years.

With that telephone call, I realized that this ministry was a two-way street. Over the years, I have seen this transformation in our volunteers repeatedly. They go out, and come back with some very remarkable stories of how their visit to the nursing home changed them. For some volunteers, it was discovering a lost family, for other volunteers it was re-prioritizing their lives, reflected in statements such as, “I hug my wife a little more, and I talk to my children a little differently.” “I went in to dazzle them, and instead they dazzled me!”

And then there was the day that I received a telephone call from Mary, (not my wife). Mary explained that she was part of a motorcycle association. She noticed that there were nursing homes along their course, she had heard of us and was calling to see if would be ok for them to visit the nursing homes while they were out riding  “Yes, of course!” I said, and added, “Stop in and see me first.”  Sometime later, Mary came into the office wearing her riding gear. I took a deep breath having had no previous experience with bikers. As we talked, I discovered a person full of mercy and compassion. It really is a thrill to pull up to a nursing home and see about a dozen motorcycles parked in front!

Our GrandFriends program pairs teenagers with older adults. After several years, I noticed that it was the kids coming from difficult backgrounds that were really sticking with the program. I realized that it was because the teenagers were experiencing unconditional love and acceptance.  With that in mind, I approached a friend of mine, who worked with youth at-risk. Through a series of meetings and planning, we had a group of youth some who belonged to gangs visiting the nursing home each week. Again, it was stunning to see them making popcorn, playing games, calling bingo, and talking with someone who looked a lot like their grandmother. One day, my friend called and said, “We have to change the time we are visiting the nursing home.”  A little surprised I asked, “Why?”  “Well,” my friend continued, “…it turns out that one of the teens wants me to help him enroll in high school so he can finish his degree. ” “Really!” I responded, ” Yeah, he says some old lady in the nursing home told him to get his act together!” That day I realized the power of intergenerational relationships.

My stories are endless. It has been 20 years! I need to write a book. Through all these experiences I have learned that the people living in nursing homes have great lessons to teach us. For starters, they teach us intimacy, unconditional love, and they create community.

Most recently, and on many occasions,  I tell the people living in nursing homes, “I know you like my music, and I am happy to play for you, but the reality is I need you more than you need me. I need to hear your stories. I need to hear your life experiences and I need to hear your wisdom.”

The old woman in the nursing home has changed me and many of our volunteers as well. Look around the room tonight. Look at the handy work of the widow. Look at the diversity of people who are here, people from every background every socio-economic status, race and age. Why? It’s because of this old woman, this widow, who has pulled us together and is teaching us community.

And so this brings me to tonight. As I think about the next 20 years, what do I see?  To begin, I see an organization that has been through the desert, and is now emerging from that place and now headed for a place where true community can be fostered, nurtured, and modeled.

I see an organization that creates a place where people from all generations can come together, to serve those living and working in nursing homes, to meet for fellowship and to learn from one another. It is an organization that embraces everyone across the full circle of life, a complete 360 degree circle, from birth to death. It is a group of people standing and living in a community 360 degrees.

I see an organization that continues to recruit and train volunteers, but I now see an organization that conducts research and develops educational opportunities for the community. Starting with questions that address how we can better serve the professional caregivers. How can we better serve the families of loved ones living in nursing homes. From that research then we develop programs that will work to meet their needs.

I see an organization that offers real hope and practical support for the long-term care community. Over the next two decades many challenges to providing quality care will confront the long-term care community as the number of people needing long-term care will increase exponentially. The volunteer, the Community-360 volunteer will play a critical support role.

The challenges will be great. As Margaret Meade said, “Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” I might add, “Never underestimate the power of community, a community 360 degrees.

Thank you.

Note: This speech was delivered by Paul Falkowski at the 20th Annual Gala, March 20, 2012.

August 12, 2012 will mark 20 years of Desert Ministries serving the frail elderly living in nursing homes. It’s been a remarkable journey, filled with hard work, joy, laughter, and of course tears.  Hang around Desert Ministries long enough and you will come to know that tears are an integral part of this organization.  However, as one older woman pointed out to me many years ago: “These are not tears of sadness but tears of joy.” The early days were the sweetest of all as we approached, in naivety, a very complex issue.

The relationships I created and nurtured, (and later our volunteers created and nurtured), with the frail elderly produced within me and continues to this day, a profound and deep sense of self-fulfillment. “I was sick and you came to visit Me,” is a true statement. I experience this daily, as well as our volunteers.  Risking opening up to an older adult combined with the accompanying emotions and dialogue defy description. I am sure that our volunteers agree. You have to experience it to understand it.  It goes well beyond an intellectual ascent into spirituality as it is an intrinsic experiential communion with “another.”  Repeatedly, the elder’s words penetrate the  remote regions of my soul while simultaneously feeding my spirit with fresh manna, leaving me only desiring more of that spiritual food.

I won’t recount twenty years of Desert Ministries history here.  I’ll save that for a book. But today, I do recall those early days of stepping away from a comfortable career to pursue, at least at that time, the unknown. I remember traveling literally tens of thousands of miles every year, visiting and performing in hundreds of skilled nursing and assisted living facilities with little or no understanding of the dynamics of the long-term community. But as one administrator said to me on my first visit: “I don’t know what just happened here, but we need more of this.” Over time, I became a student of long-term care and with that came a deeper understanding of the challenges of caring for the frail elder.

Those days carried a great deal of uncertainty. My wife, Mary and I had no assurance of any income, (and frankly, we still don’t). At that time, I did not have a clear picture of where all this effort was headed, or if it would even last. Yet, I was compelled by that “…still small voice…”to face the challenges of fundraising, explaining to others what it was I was trying to do and why, (feeble as it was), and sadly, discovering the harsh reality that our society rejects the elderly and even more so, the frail elderly. I soon discovered that when you associate yourself with marginalized people, you, yourself, are marginalized.

While lifting the chalice, one Sunday morning, during Communion, I remember asking God if it was permissible for me to stand proxy for the thousands of frail elders who would want to be here with me this morning, and drink from this cup. Today when I drink “…from this cup…” I remember them.

Working in a nursing home has to be one of the worst jobs in America. Not because of the job, or the great personal satisfaction it brings. But once again these workers have identified themselves with the marginalized elder. They, too, feel that marginalization. I want to understand their experience. Gathering feedback from the staff is important to building effective and relevant programming. After all, who knows the long-term care community better than the front-line worker?

During my conversations with staff, I ask them how it is going, and how are our volunteers doing. During one particular conversation, breaking down in tears, a care worker said, “If if wasn’t for your volunteers coming to help me…, and having coffee with me afterwards, I don’t think I would be here. I would have quit.”  In that moment, I realized our volunteers not only had a supporting role to the nursing home resident but to the care staff as well.

After thousands of miles of travel, and discovering the magnitude of the problem, it became apparent that my role needed to shift from “go-er” to “sender.” It was a bittersweet transition. But since 1999, in an administrative role, I have been “wooing” people to volunteer in nursing homes. It has been a privilege, not taken lightly, to interview, screen and train hundreds of people to volunteer in nursing homes, while exposing thousands more to the world of the frail elder.  (And, I thought I would miss the first-hand experiences). “Go, and then come back and tell me what you have learned.” For me, hearing the life changing stories of our volunteers is now a highlight of my life.

I have to stop here; otherwise, the blog will become the book. Twenty years ago, I left my “secular” job.  Sitting in my living room, the next morning, I thought to myself, “If I call right now, I could get my job back.” God, I am so very glad I didn’t make that call.

Several years ago, as I entered a memory unit in a nursing home, a woman was there to greet me. As I was closing the door to the memory unit, I noticed that her eyes were riveted on me. With a burst of laughter she said, “Count your blessings!” The look of shock on my face must have been priceless. Then as I was trying to understand what just happened and formulate some sort of response, once again, and this time with a tone of admonishment she blurted out, “I mean it, count your blessings!” Like a reflex, I blurted back, “Ok! I will!” Spinning around and walking down the hallway ahead of me, she began to sing the old hymn, “Count Your Blessings” Laughing, I sang with her.

As we were singing our impromptu duet, I was watching her walk with a bounce in her step, seemingly unaware of her predicament, i.e., living in a facility with dementia. It occurred to me, “Yes, I do need to count my blessings, and this woman is helping me do that right now, right here, in this very unlikely place to count any blessings, or to be even thinking about blessings.

We live in challenging times. I know this is no news flash. We see the realities of budget cuts, loss of jobs, dissatisfaction with politics, systemic issues that seem unsolvable, and so on. Yet, for just a moment in time, this demented old woman, (and I say that with all due respect to her and to the millions who suffer with Alzheimer’s disease), was redirecting me to think about my family, my wife, my children, and now my grandchildren, my friends, my co-workers, and my health, along with realizing one day I could be the “greeter” for this memory unit.

Today, you may be facing any number of challenges, but is there anything that, today, on this day of giving thanks, for which you can be thankful? I’m sure that there is.

Let me invite you to this memory unit, where today you can meet someone who may not be able to remember her name, but she did remember to count her blessings, and furthermore she helped me to remember to do the same.

Happy Thanksgiving! And “Count your Blessings! No! I mean it. Count you blessings!”

Today my wife sent me an article entitled “For the Very Old, a Dose of ‘Slow Medicine” by Abigal Zuger, M.D.  (found at: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/26/health/views/26books.html)

The article reviews “My Mother, Your Mother: embracing slow medicine, the compassionate approach to caring for your aging loved ones,” by Dennis McCullough, M.D.  Dennis McCullough is a geriatrician at Dartmouth Medical School. I have not read the book so I will reserve my comments about the book for a later time.  I have “one-click” at Amazon.com so the book is on it’s way to me.

However, in Zuger’s review,  she quotes McCullough:

“The high-blood-pressure pills that are life-saving at 75 may cause problems at 95, and paid companionship or a roster of visitors may prove to be antidepressants at least as effective as any drug.

A loud “Amen” escaped from my lips when I read this.  For years now, I have observed on numerous occasions and have listened to many stories relayed by our volunteers as to the impact of the visits both on the nursing home resident and the volunteer, and finally I have my own experiences to share. Many times throughout the course of developing and pushing this outreach forward, I have battled with depression, and repeatedly those visits have pulled me up and out of the “blues.” Likewise, I remember several occasions when the frail elder I was visiting commented along the lines of , “It’s feels good to know someone is even thinking about us.”

Most memorable was the old woman who, sitting in a wheelchair, holding a paper cup with pills lying at the bottom of it, waiting to be swallowed, made eye contact with me, held up her cup for me to see and said, “This is what they think I need. What you just did for me is what I need.”

We need friendships more than pills. There is no substitute for relationship, for sharing smiles and tears,  for sharing conversation and silence, and for sharing gentle touch. Even the perception that “…someone cares about me,” is a powerful antidote to depression. Now of course, I am not advocating abandoning the use of antidepressants, and certainly there are times when they are appropriate and needed, however; how many nursing home residents, that is frail older adults living in nursing homes are given what “…they think we need…” as a poor substitute for what they really need.

Volunteers trained to be companions can fill this gap. For the past 20 years, I’ve learned, and now have developed a conduit to provide nursing homes with skilled companions who, not for money, but for reasons of compassion and love of the elderly become a source of dignity and hope.

So Dr. McCullough, I’ll be anxious to read your book, but in the meantime, a hearty “Amen” to deferring to companions over pills.

Walk with me...

At some point in our lives we are likely to face dependency. We can hide our heads in the sand and pretend that “…it will never happen to me.” But after 20 years of observations, I’m certain that the odds are not in your favor, and it may happen suddenly and sooner than you think.  Of course,  entrepreneurs intuitively recognize an opportunity. Initiating a word search for anti-aging products produces millions of opportunities for you to buy the latest and “…most effective…” means to delaying the aging process.

Ultimately the cosmetics, plastic surgery, and the myriads of creams and potions lose their efficacy and what emerges from behind all of the camouflage is a person who needs the helping hand of a younger person, a weaker person who needs the strength of a younger person.

Running away from reality; covering our eyes and ears pretending not to see or hear their predicament, we abandon older people to a frightening existence. “Who will help me feed me today? Who will help me walk? Who will help me bathe? Is there anyone here to help me?”

Funding for nursing homes is shrinking and will continue to shrink. This  will mean further staff reductions, and less care. As a result, I believe it is imperative to appeal to people of all faiths to  volunteer in nursing homes. Good people like you know the value of relationships. Volunteers, like you, can help to fill that gap, not for money, but to fulfill the promises in the sacred texts of your faith.

“Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”

(Deuteronomy 5:16 NRSV)

May is “Older Americans Month.”  Mother’s Day is the first day of “National Nursing Home Week.”  All across the United States there are thousands of nursing homes housing more than 1. 5 million people. Visit the nursing home near you sometime this month. Take flowers, candy, greetings cards, etc. To the staff say “thank you” for their hard work and to the people that live there tell them that you have not forgotten them.

Afterward, contact us and share what happened. I know from experience that when people show this kind of “honor” they come away with incredible and unexpected stories,  that usually begin with “You are not going to believe what happened!”

“What’s in a Name?”

As you can might guess, I am asked from time to time, “So what’s with the name ‘desert’?”  Well, I guess if we lived in the southwest it would be obvious, but here in Nebraska it doesn’t seem to be so obvious.  Yet over the years this word has taken on a variety of meanings for me and I would like to share a few of them with you.

To begin, back in 1992 when I was first considering this outreach, I was reading the newspaper and in particular the sports section. There was an article concerning Lyle Alzado, the NFL football player.  Lyle played for the Denver Broncos, the Cleveland Browns, and finally the Los Angeles Raiders. He was a great defensive lineman and he had brain cancer.

The newspaper reporter asked Lyle, “So what’s it like for you now?” Lyle responded this way, “I have a lot of great people around me, nurses, doctors, family, and friends, but there are moments when I realize that at some point they cannot go with me all the way. In those moments, I feel very alone, like in a desert.”

The word “desert” jumped off the page at me. And I found myself saying I would like to be the drink of water for people like Lyle facing the  end of their life. And so, with that little bit of information, I named this outreach Desert Ministries. But over the past 19 years that word “desert” has taken on other meanings for me as well.

Around the year 300 A.D. thousands of Christians moved into the desert. These people became known as the “desert fathers” most of whom, by the way, were women. It is suggested by some that when Christianity became mainstreamed, that is the official state religion, there were those who feared for the purity of the faith, and therefore decided to separate themselves into the desert to maintain the authenticity and the integrity of their faith. The “desert” then becomes a place to purify oneself; to purify one’s motives.

Finally, the theologian W. Paul Jones wrote an article entitled: “Aging and Desert Spirituality.” In this article, he suggests that we don’t really want the elderly around us because it reminds us of our own “finitude.” So as the elderly stand on the brink of this “third age” this “old age” this desert, we push them in, so that we can get on with the rest of our lives. But it is not enough that we got rid of them, we even try to hide the desert.

For the old man or old woman, the desert forces one to face our imposed “worthlessness,” “their loss of identity,” “who am I now?” “What do I do now?” We have taught a whole generation that it is the “Pepsi Generation” that has a life worth living. For many older adults, this loss of identity becomes the springboard for suicide. Until the economic downturn, persons over 65 held first place in our society for attempted and successful suicides. Women for attempted and men for successful.

W. Paul Jones goes on to talk about the “desert” as a place of rebirth, rediscovery, and a place where we learn how to live in “grace” as we lose our ability to “do.” For everything we collect to shield ourselves from the aging process, it still strips us until we leave this world as we came in, “naked.”

So what does all this mean to me? It means that the desert is a place of opportunity for us.  It is a place to check our motives and our faith. Rather than push our elders into it, we can enter the desert with them and  walk with them, and learn from their experiences.  We too, can reflect with them on “What does all this mean?” and “Who am I now?” Finally, we can with them, be reborn, truly reborn to a life of “grace.”  The name of our organization…desert Ministries.

This week we are distributing thousands of Valentines to nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Take a few moments and share your experiences.