God has given me the privilege of walking with many families who are hurting. Often I walk into our family group room at my office and I can feel the anger and hostility toward each other. It can make the hair on my head stand up! Everyone can feel it. It charges the air.  

          There are times when I walk into the same room, (different family) and I can feel the positive emotional bond between family members. Genuine appreciation and affection for each other can be felt in the air. It’s like getting a warm fuzzy. It makes me smile. “Ahhh, love is in the air.” 

          When we are talking about strong families (and in case you forgot that is our focus) we are talking about affirming expressions that connect family members in a way that demonstrates value and importance. 

          According to Josh McDowell, “When we express appreciation to people, we give them a sense of significance.” Our acceptance of our family members tells them that they matter. Expressing our appreciation to them says their doing matters and, more importantly, their being matters. Everyone in a family needs to feel value and that they make a difference. Showing appreciation is one of the ways we can convey this. 

          We see Christ do this frequently in His Word. He is always affirming who we are and shows appreciation and thankfulness for his followers. He calls us “His children” and “His beloved”. Now those are warm fuzzies! He commands us to do likewise: “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them…” Matthew 7:12 

          From time to time I am blessed enough to receive a card or letter of appreciation from clients. I read them over a few times; I smile (sometimes cry) and set them out on my office desk to enjoy for a time. When it’s time to clean out my office I place them in a file that is labeled “KUDOS” (I know, it’s a bit egocentric.).  When a day of journeying with people leaves me sad, tired or simply in need of a little “pick me up” I will read those cards to myself. They help remind me of why I do what I do…I feel appreciated. I smile. 

          When my kids were young I would lay a candy bar (super-sized) and/or a card of appreciation across their pillows after they left for school. I loved doing this. It was a simple way to say “I appreciate you. I was thinking of you. I am so glad you’re a part of our family.” 

          My husband will occasionally place a chocolate truffle on my bed side table at the end of long day; his way of saying “I appreciate you.” “I’m glad you’re here.” 

          Research suggests that for every negative interaction, family members must have at least 20 positive ones. We pay a high price in our families when we verbally attack our loved ones. We pay a high price when we emotionally disengaged from them as well (in other words, when we don’t communicate). We hurt each other deeply and we usually don’t forget quickly.

           People in strong families care deeply for each other and they show it! How do you show appreciation to your family? How are you building a positive atmosphere where emotional connection is nurtured; where “Ahhhh, love is in the air.” 

          Many people struggle with what to say and when to say it. McDowell says, “It isn’t a matter of not being able to find the things to appreciate about your family members; it’s about disciplining yourself to speak up and tell the people in your family what you see—to give them honest praise for their efforts in the family system.”  We need to know we are loved in our families whether we succeed or not. We need to know we are loved in our families when we make mistakes or make poor choices, as well as when all is going well. Saying “Thank you” and “I appreciate you” are ways to do this.           

          Sometimes at the end of a session with a family charged with anger I will say: “If you remember nothing else; simply BE NICE!”  In other words show appreciation and respect.  Time after time when a family returns after applying that one principle the room will be charged with warm fuzzies…everyone is beginning to feel appreciated and valued. 

          If it has been a while since you have shown your love and appreciation to your loved ones, it may feel a bit awkward. It may even be scary.  Consider doing it any way. I challenge you to plant one seed of appreciation a day and watch it grow!  And if you remember nothing else, BE NICE! You are so loved, each and every one of you. God Bless you and your loved ones. I can’t wait to hear of your appreciation successes.